心情日记 2019 03 02

在乎一个人
不是说出口才是真的
他可能也没有表现出来
一个人的时候
会默默平复翻腾的情绪
见到你总是忍不住笑
想到你很心安

❤

心情日记 2018 09 27

我最近真的故意犯傻。要说寂寞嘛，也不是的，只是胸口一直有一股闷气想要发泄，然后就一直往外跑。我很清醒的，知道自己故意撒野，真心想试着受一点伤害， 因为痛才会有感觉啊。呵呵。

可是今天真的有点触动。我有想过，也许过了今天我就可以丢掉理智的包袱了，开心的去玩去闹啊，反正都过那道坎了，就像当初人生当中的那一夜一样的坎。

你不知道的是，我特别不愿意认同你当初说的话。什么叫做我这个女孩就是“心好，还有救”？？为什么要做一个心好的人？？救回来的心哪里还是一样的？？真的都很讨厌你说的话，可惜反驳不了的。心好，所以每次都只会看见别人的好，然后被伤害后记得的不是伤口，而是别人的好；还有救，所以无法做出种种离经叛道的事来发泄心底的郁闷，在回首有你的记忆里越陷越深。

先申明，我没有放不下你，真的啦，只是与你经历短短这些那些的，怎知习惯下意识地想多了。

好，那再回到今天吧。今天真的、真的就差一点跳进自己挖的陷阱了！只是想感觉一下会不会痛，可是人真的没法预测未来啊！这个就是传说中的：我猜中了开头，却没有猜中结尾？哈哈哈哈，我笑了，真心的。哪有那么巧突然紧急刹车的，就在所有出车祸的条件都达到的时候？？

我真的觉得冥冥中好像有一个守护天使在默默地关注我，总让我险险过了理智的关！好吧，对不起了我可爱的守护天使，我这样让你为难。也要谢谢你巧妙的和命运打太极，我才会完好无缺地在这里打字喔。

好啦，我尽量不再故意犯傻啦，真的对不起！:)

心情日记 2018 09 16

总觉得想记录点什么，主要是最近心情起伏有点类似毛毛雨，轻飘飘的也不算难过，有些什么淡淡地落在心间，冰冷却又温柔。

九月的生活些许空闲，没有八月份等一个人的期待和杂乱的思绪，该放下的即使没放下却已经不再执着，只愿能够一直对自己坦白。我曾想不顾一切，可老天没想要配合我，一次任性的机会都不给我。最后我回到想要逃离的地方，只觉得，既然如此我就随心所欲，也许慢慢的就可以消磨掉心底的渴望，反正我开不开心只有自己关心。

最近读到这样的说法：“懂事的女人是得不到该有的幸福的！”虽然不符合我的情况，可是这句话让我突然直接面对自己内心的傻，呵呵。其实我也一直知道怎样才是不傻，也很想去做一个聪明的女人，可是我也知道我不会过得比现在轻松。反正也不很难过，也不要勉强自己不去傻了，就让我傻多一会儿好吗？

说到底我是一个固执的人，而你也是。我正在成长，而你有没有成长我不能管，只有静静地看住我自己。也许某一天我突然就顺利走了，你也就真的不重要了。

谢谢我，谢谢我理性却不抗拒该有的任性，下次再更新状态吧😊

 

Rejected

Did you think that you’re gone
Because he was like no one
That you ever thought you want
Darling you’re not all done
You just need you to be found

There’s always flipped side to a coin
Maybe he was a decoy
You’re meant to fall prey
To only learn your true voices
Hear the choices
Rejected and rejoiced

Did you know it ain’t your fault
When happiness come to a halt
It’s time to build your fort
Darling you’re never lost
You just need to cross the lot
There’s always a turn at the end

Maybe he was the wrong bend
You’re meant to transcend
To only get over the blinds
See the lights
Rejected and alls right

Crying is alright
Darling crying is alright
Maybe I’m still not alright

 

致生命中曾来过的他

用从前感知未来时间
让自己去烦恼每一天
我听到看到感受到
彷徨只自己知道
我很感激你来到过
不是你那一晚的拯救
不管你是不是在作秀
可是你让我动心过
虽然哭泣也是很累人的
我也是会害怕的
只要我不觉得感动没有意义

快乐和谁呢
你曾经给我温暖呢
你拿着一份真挚的情
就记得对的起自己也付出过的情

我笨只是过一段时间
可是每每向前飞一天
我听到看到感受到
也许你都不知道
我很感激你来到过
不是你要留下来很久
不管你是不是会内疚
可是你让我勇敢过
即使勇气也是能消耗的
我也是会害怕的
只要我不觉得笨得没有意义

快乐和谁呢
你曾经给我温暖呢
你拿着一份真挚的情
就记得对的起自己也付出过的情

不过一起呢
却还是充满感激呢
我带着你最好的品质
就一定可以走到我的目的地

Keeping a diary: Three

There is something in my life I could not point a finger to.

I got a new job about three months ago. I have a lot of expectations about the job and they are not necessarily about the pay. In simple words, I am ditching the 9-6 in exchange for not feeling like I have to drag myself to work everyday. I think at this point of time I still do not feel hard to accomplish that, and I wish to keep it that way. The colleagues are fine. But hmm. I have to keep a reminder to work on just work. As much as I am happy to hang out with my colleagues, I think the interaction should be contained within working hours. They are great people, but I do not want to put too much of myself out there. There are a lot of things I have to learn to do my job and I am working on getting things under my control. It is definitely not easy to maintain my morale when trying to adapt to the ever-changing environment. I wished I had a bit more experience just so I can do a better job, but now I just have to make the best out of what I have.

Aside from my job, I am losing interest in relationships. Friendship and others. I do not know what came or is still coming at me but I feel nonchalant about preserving relationships. I still love some people but I have lesser things to talk to them. Some things taught me not to meddle with other people’s lives and other things let me understand that I should take care of my own feelings. Hence I am always in my own world nowadays. Oh, I have a crush on someone, It is something that I have not felt in a long time, but I am just going to let it die because… I do not care enough. I still want to be in my own world. Wew.

I always think that happiness in a choice. If you want to be happy, make an effort. When things or people disappoint you, adjust your position and widen your perspective to see how you can fix the disappointment. Or leave, and prepare for some regrets later. Life, this is.

意外

静静听音乐 让自己愉快
看着周围 云淡风轻 想来
不需要多余的情怀
往心里带 给自己期待

想要不受伤害 不被摇摆
可是你在 让我无法表态

总是轻易地 把大家收买
散发思维 运筹帷幄 未来
应该要坚持的心态
突然无奈 被自己出卖

寂寞化成阴霾 无法淘汰
你的青睐 让我心神澎湃

我防备不来
你轻易拆穿我藏匿的情爱
你会是 我所有的意外
只因你在 因为你在

想要不受伤害 不被摇摆
可是你在 让我无法表态

 

Keeping a diary: Two

We have different sides that we choose to show to people in accordance to the proximity  of relationship among one another. I do understand this, but it is still shocking to learn that I have completely missed knowing a person in a certain way even after being acquainted with the person for a long time. Perhaps it should not shock me though, since we have never gotten close enough to understand each other well. Also, I think even if you are really close with someone, you will not see most of what a person is capable of if he or she intends to hide it. I am kind of in a situation right now where I am hearing conflicting stories that I think it would be better if I just leave it to it. The thing is, when you are not directly involved in a matter you do not comment your opinion as though you know how things really feel like. I am concerned but I am not going to interfere.

I am so judging myself right now, for relying too heavily on my first impression on everything and anything. I almost never give second chances before I decide if I like someone or something. I am quite good at finding clues and traits that support my first impression, so it is easy for me to convince myself further whether to like someone or something. There is so much to work on. I hope I can be less critical. It is good to able to accept a correction on a belief after reviewing other factors involved. The realisation that you are wrong; you are not afraid to admit and you are gonna do something about it.

 

Keeping a diary: One

I wish I am writing this in a cafe; you know, sipping hot mocha and occasionally gazing out of the window to daydream.That sort of thing is not really a luxury, but I have always thought my time is more precious than this. Therefore, when I am writing I have to pause now and then, because I get distracted by the parts and parcels of life.

There is a fair amount of work in the office today, but I am a fast worker, so I am left with bits of free moment. To fit in with my diligent colleagues, I do have to pretend to be busy. Of course there are times when I am really, really busy and I have to work overtime to finish my work. If fact, my whole team work overtime almost every day because there are just too much work to do. We would look at other teams in envy whenever they leave the office right on the dot. One particular finance manager always jokingly called us “inefficient” when we stay overtime. Yeah, he is joking, but he is also kind of mean. Well, he no longer works in the company.

I always think about a whole lot of things at once, and they are not always related. Now I am thinking of writing a book. I am pretty convinced I would be my only reader, though I would like my book to relate to a lot of things that concern a lot of people. That say, my fantasy world shall continue to stay in my head… maybe I would be able to insert a glimpse of those imaginary excerpts in the appendix of my book? I do not think that I really want to be a full-time writer. The idea appeals to me, but I also want to satisfy the realist in me; I want to stay in control, hold on to principles, use logic to make sense of everything, etc.

There is forty more minutes till I knock off. Weekend has not just started; weekend has just continued on. This is in consideration of the fact that I have just come back from Japan two days ago. I know I should probably talk about my Japan trip but I will procrastinate and grow my hair for another inch till I get to that. I am joking about the latter.

 

Questions for myself

1. What’s your name?
   Vyann.

2. Given the choice of anyone in the world, alive or dead whom would you want to have a meaningful conversation with?
   Me after I died. I would like to know what I had understood from life at the moment I lost it.

3. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
   Nope. Not in any way.
   
4. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
   I do not rehearse. I may make a mental note about what I want to say to another party, because I just want to make sure my message gets across.
5. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
   Spending a day with someone I care, have deep talks, eat, and just enjoy the time together.
6. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
   Shower last night, to myself.
7. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 25 year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
   I would choose to retain the body of a 25 year old for the last 60 years of my life. Because I want my mind to grow and mature beyond 25 year old.
   
8. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
   I always think I will die during an accident.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
   Having lived in both pre-internet and internet times.
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
    I wouldn’t change anything  if I could. But.. maybe, I would hope to learn martial arts from young.

11. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
    The ability to teleport. Because I would like to travel whenever and wherever I want.
12. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
    I want to know, what do I really want in life.
13. Is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
    I want to publish my own novel. Having stuck at my dream world for a long time that penning everything down seems too hard.
14. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
    Tried to enjoy all the goods and bads in my life till this very moment.
    
15. What do you value most in a friendship?
    Honesty, loyalty, and love.
16. What is your most treasured memory?
    Time spent with my grandmother.
17. What is your most terrible memory?
    All the arguments I had with my mother.
18. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
    Yes. I would try to make arrangement for my loved ones.
19. What does friendship mean to you?
    A shoulder to depend on when I feel helpless and lost.
    
20. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
    Selective in embracing love and affection.
    
21. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
    I felt very warm growing up, because my mother tries very hard to bond us closely to her best ability. I might not be happier than other people but I know I am blessed in a lot of ways, and that is the most important take-away from my childhood.
22. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
    Love-hate relationship. I love her a lot but our temper collide like volcano eruption. I need to work on showing more understanding towards her.
23. What is your meaning of life?
    To find the meaning of life.
    
24. What’s a naughty* thing you have done as a kid? As an adult?
    As a kid I sneaked out to the mall with my friends when I was supposed to be at the library; as an adult I went solo traveling in Taiwan despite the objection of my parents.
25. If you were going to become intimate with your partner, what would be important for him or her to know?
    That I have very low self-esteem.
26. What do you like about yourself? Hate about yourself?
    I like that my character is strong and independent; I hate that I have self-esteem issues.

 

…. to be continued